How to Run onto the Field and Get Away with it.

I have previously written about how to properly guess the attendance at a ballgame. Today, I focus on the lost art of running onto the field of play:

The Padres lost yesterday in pretty boring fashion. They did not get many people on base, and did not score many runs. The players did not give the fans much reason to cheer, but an external distraction more than made up for the boring on-field product.

Immediately prior to the seventh inning stretch, three youngsters (My guess is they were 17 or 18 years old), shed their shirts and jumped out for a joy-run on the field.

Typically, fans who run onto the field avoid one or two out of shape Elite security guards prior to being tackled by an overly zealous rent-a-cop in a red jacket. These fans are usually totally plastered, and their 15 seconds is, if you consider running onto the field a source of fame, just that-15 seconds.

Not yesterday. The three gentlemen raced onto the outfield and immediately spread the security force out. This creative strategy worked to their advantage as rather than 7 or 8 guards being able to focus on one miscreant, they had to split up into smaller teams.

Also unique was that it was clear alcohol was not consumed prior to their run. These kids were agile, had good acceleration, great vision, speed, and endurance. I could not help but think that L.T. had better watch out, because any of the three would look great in a powder blue jersey on Sundays.

The first runner to be caught was merely unlucky. One of his cohorts made the mistake of getting too close to his friend, and the first runner was tackled-almost accidentally-by one of the security guards who was actually chasing his friend, and just happened to run right into this unlucky guy.

The second runner-who had evaded security for literally at least 3 minutes-decided to go for the gold and slide head first into home plate. His dive exhibited perfect form, and he was safe by a wide margin. Unfortunately, his slide into home gave the men of Elite Security time to catch up, and he was roughly cuffed shortly thereafter.

The final runner to be apprehended must not have felt comfortable leaving his friends behind. Once he saw his friends in custody, he used his hands to signal the safe sign, and then gave himself up peacefully. He placed his hands behind his back and waited 10 seconds for the guards to close in (that’s right-his closest pursuer was a full 10 seconds behind).

These three rascals provided some needed energy to the stadium, but after a fun four minutes, were led off the field in handcuffs. Their effort got me thinking-what if they had wanted to escape unpunished? Would it be possible to actually get away with running onto the field of play?

Although difficult, I think it might actually be possible. These bright scoundrels got the first two necessary components correct. They ran in as a group-which spread the defense too thin, they possessed the speed and athletic prowess necessary to evade security, and were not under the influence of alcohol. What they did not have was a proper exit plan. My guess is they have been watching too much Fox News and are convinced exit plans are just unnecessary. I, on the other hand, have it all thought out…

The obvious escape route is into the stands on the third or first base side. In these locations, the wall is short and provides easy access away from the field of play. The problem with this route is security can use the layout of the stadium to its advantage and basically box in the runners. The runners could surely run horizontally, trampling over a bunch of fans to avoid running straight up an aisle, but, to escape for good, vertical movement toward the exits is eventually required. I am certain security guards would have no problem blocking off the escape routes.

Instead of escaping by going over the short walls, I propose an escape by scaling the center field wall. Typically, only one security guard is stationed in the centerfield sand. So long as the group of runners has a big enough lead over their on-field pursuers (hence the need for speed/athleticism), and are able to coordinate their dash to the wall, it is likely that at least 2 will be able to escape (I am assuming the “lifeguard” out in CF will be able to apprehend one person as he/she is descending the fence. Note: There is always the risk that the person caught will squeal-giving up the rest of his crew. I propose setting up some sort of fund beforehand. Prior to the attempt, each person must put down a deposit commensurate to a relatively high proportion of their wealth. The money will be returned following the attempt to everyone who does not squeal. Anybody who squeals loses their deposit which is then distributed equally amongst the others).

Once the wall is scaled, there are numerous exits to choose from, and plenty of open space to dodge the reinforcements that have surely been called into active duty.

It is also necessary to don a proper uniform. Be sure to wear a mask of some sort to hide your face. Also, wear two shirts, and a pair of generic colored shorts. Upon evading the authorities-ditch the mask and top shirt. Then, casually duck into an eatery or bar in the gaslamp. You will now be adequately disguised, and ready to continue your night on the town worry free.

It may be a long-shot, but if you really get that urge to run onto the field and attempt an escape, heed my advice:
1) Don’t consume alcoholic beverages prior to your attempt.
2) Recruit a group of friends to join you.
3) Make sure both you and your friends are fast runners.
4) Set up a system that commits people to not squealing.
5) Prepare proper uniforms
6) Escape into centerfield-not the seats in foul territory.
7) Be sure to have the number of a local cab company handy-not to call as an escape vehicle-but for a ride home after downing a few pitchers in the wake of your glory.

Note: Don't try this at home kids...This article is for entertainment purposes only. Daniel Gettinger does not encourage any behavior that breaks the law-not even Kissing on the lips in Riverside, CA which violates a public health ordinance unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water.